Interview with Rickilee by Vanessa

Here are a couple of pictures of Rickilee, her older sister, and mother. Her and her sister have separate dads. Shelley, Rickilee's mom, dated Rickilees dad for two years. The two separated due to the news that he was going to be a father to a kid he didn't want to care for. Rickilee has never seen her father, but knows his name and that he used to be a doctor. Here is my interview with Rickilee in a summary.

Rickilee wasn't born yet when her parents separated. Rickilee's dad left during the pregnancy of Rickilee because he didn't want to have children.Growing up she was longing to have the father figure in her life.
Some of her friends and most of her classmates had both parents in their lives to refer too, even her sister had some type of father-daughter relationship, that Rickilee dreamed to have. Her mom struggled to work to support her two kids, so she left her eldest daughter to watch over Rickilee, so she can work. In this case, Rickilee initially wanted to have that father figure to help support the family and to have someone she can bond with. Growing up the closet relationship she had with her father was him paying for child support and her health insurance. However, the two have never met, and he has never tried to contact her or Rickilees mother. With this Rickilee questioned why her fathers failed to communicate with her with him knowing when she was ill. Rickileee has questioned her mother about why things didn't work out between the two parents, and she claims her father was immature, and selfish. One year after the separation Rickilee's dad got married, and in some ways hearing about his marriage upset Rickilee. However, Rickilee then realizes that if the two stayed together the relationship between the two adults would have been an unhealthy. Rickilee till this day has so many questions to ask her dad, even questions her to ask her mother because she feels like she is missing half of herself. However, a part of Rickilee is afraid to know the truth behind her questions.

Healing the Broken Heart

http://www.venturablvd.com/children-of-divorce/index.html

This website gives tips to parents and children on how to acknowledge the distress signals, how to treat it.

Don't Ignore the Distress Signals

For Parents:

*If you are on the verge of separation, or your child knows you are getting a divorce...here are questions to ask yourself
 Is your child...

• struggling with school? Struggling with concentration? Grades dropping?
• having nightmares?
• having withdrawls?
• fighting with peers?
• angry and out of control?
• expressing depressed emotions?

 
For Children:

*Do you have a feeling your parents are about to get divorced/separate? Have they addressed the divorce or separation to you already?

Do you ask yourself the following questions...

• Do I think to my self, "If only I'd been a better kid, they would still be together?"
• Are my parents playing telephone through me, and making me be the messenger to communicate?
• Am I afraid I may have to depart from my old ways, like friends school, all because I have to move?
• Am I angrier that I am living in two households?
• Am I afraid to confront my parents how I feel about the breakup?

Research Shows...

 Numerous studies show that the trauma of divorce/separation sticks with the children throughout their lives. However, a way to prevent this from happening is to help the children at an early age to express their emotions and be aware of their feelings. By doing this it will help them enjoy a healthy and mature relationship in the future. To help this there are many types of treatment. For example,

1.  Group therapy-in a small group children begin to accept their parents divorce because they are aware that they aren't alone.
2. Individual therapy-children usually find it difficult to express their true emotions to their parents, and having a third party who is not emotionally involved. This provides both the parents and children willingly open to communicate.
3. Family therapy-gives parents to communicate with their children in a neutral environment.

By receiving some sense of group therapy its purpose is to create some healing over time, and create a relationship between the parents and children. These group therapy sessions are there to establish a sense of trust and respect in the family. 

 

Helping Children Understand Divorce

Now I know this blog is about the voiceless children facing divorce or separation, but I thought it would be a good idea to show everyone how parents can give their children a voice, and get them to understand a little more about the adults’ decision.

                Whether children understand what their parents are going through, see the different behavioral changes, experience the arguing, parents don’t realize that there are different feelings their children face or the ways to approach the children about their situation.

This website, http://extension.missouri.edu/publications/DisplayPub.aspx?P=GH6600, gives parents a good idea of how to approach their children, and talk to them about the adult situation.

How to address the situation:

1. Set them aside to meet as a family
2. Plan ahead of time what to tell children
3. Stay calm
4. Plan to meet again.

What to Tell Children

Keep it understanding for the children. Limit what you have to say and only say the most immediate issues. Too much information for the children/child can confuse them. Acknowledge them that someone will be there for them no matter what. Tell the children that their relationships with both parents will still continue. Also, know that your love (from both parents) will still be there even if actions changes, like family routines.

Keep having family discussion. In the family talks don’t give the children false hope about reuniting. When the divorce is final, let them know. Parents should also assure the children the divorce is not their fault, and was not a result of something they did. This needs to be reassured to younger kids every so often. This is because younger kids still won’t understand the reason of the divorce, and will answer to people, “It was because one of the kids misbehaved.” Repeat to assure that they are not responsible for the divorce.

*Here are General tips that should help parents. Go to the website for additional tips:http://extension.missouri.edu/publications/DisplayPub.aspx?P=GH6600

What Children Want from their Parents After Divorce

• They want both parents to stay involved in his/her life. They want them to write letters, make phone calls, and ask lots of questions. When parents don't stay involved, the child feels like they are not important and that they don't really love them.
• They want their parents to stop fighting and work hard to along with each other. They want them to agree on situations that involve them. The child feels that they did something wrong and begin feeling guilty when both parents are fighting about the child.
• The child wants to love them both and be able to enjoy the time that the child spends with each parent. The child wants the parents to support them and the time that they spend with each one. If either parent acts jealous or upset, the child feels like they need to choose a side and love one parent more than the other.
• They want both parents to be able to communicate directly so the child want have to send messages back and forth.
• When one parent talks about the other parent, they want them to say only nice things or they rather not hear it at all because when mean and unkind things are about the other parent, the child feels like they are expected to take sides.
• Every child wants both parents to be part of their lives. They count on their mom and dad to raise them, teach them what is important, and to help them with their problems.

Website:  http://www.helpguide.org/mental/children_divorce.htm

Effects of Divorce on Children

Here are some ways that divorce effects children. Check out the website, http://extension.unh.edu/Family/Documents/divorce.pdf, there is more information on how divorce effects children.

Sociologists and psychologists are beginning to provide reliable information about the effects of divorce on children. There are many important factors. Research shows that the effects depend on the age of the child at the time of the divorce. Young children do not always suffer if a divorce occurs. However, problems may occur if a close relationship or bond between a parent and child is broken.

Infants
Infants may not understand conflict, but may react to changes in parent’s energy level and mood.

Preschool Children
Children from three to five years of age frequently believe they have caused their parent's divorce. Preschoolers may fear being left alone or abandoned. They may show baby-like behavior, such as wanting their security blanket or old toys, or they begin wetting the bed.

School-aged Children
Some psychologists believe divorce is more difficult for elementary school children than for younger or older children. School-age children seem to understand that they are in pain because of their parents' separation. They may experience grief, embarrassment, resentment, and intense anger. Becoming actively involved in activities with other children may help them cope with their family life situation.

Adolescents
Teens experience anger, fear, loneliness, depression and guilt. Some feel pushed into adulthood if they have to take responsibility for many new chores or care of siblings. Teens also may begin having doubt of their own ability to get married or to stay married. They may understand the causes leading to their parents' separation. They may also feel pressure to "choose" one of their parents over the other, or to fault one parent over the other for the "cause" of the divorce.

children without fathers

Hey bloggers here are some interesting facts about children being fatherless. Also, take a look at the website where we found the research, http://fathersforlife.org/divorce/chldrndiv.htm, there are some other interesting statistics about fatherless children.

Kids without Fathers:
63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes.
90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes.
85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes.
85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home.
There are:

• 11,268,000 total custodial mothers
• 2,907,000 total custodial fathers

Intro

Hey bloggers. Our blog spot is going to be about children and how they are voiceless when it comes to their parents being separated or divorced.We are going to acknowledge you all with the divorce and separation rates, how kids struggle and what they struggle. Also, how the kid(s) feel during the divorce or separation. (If you have any other good research you think we should mention feel free to add in a comment.) We will be posting up some interviews later on. However, for now we will be posting up research.